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Worship me!] boo [11 Jan 2005|07:08pm] [ mood | cranky ] [ music | kid rock and sheryl crow - picture ] i feel liek crap. im just in one of those moods where nothing is right and at the same time nothing is wrong. im just, i guess depressed? i know it sounds like im overreacting but im just so blah. i feel like im stuck in a rut. im 20 years old it sure as hell doesnt feel like it. but on the bright side i spoke to my cousin patrick from france online today which was absolutley awesome. i love him lol.

Worship me!] [14 Nov 2004|02:43am] [ mood | aggravated ] its funny how the people who are supposed to know you the best, actually know you the least. i mean, some people sometimes have things happen to them in the past, things they really hated and even THINKING about it makes them die inside. and if someone is willing to open up and share those feelings you should respect that. and if that person says u know i hate it when u do that because it makes me feel the way that did then for the fuc&^'n love of god respect that. why make them suffer it over and over again. titles dont give you power over people. they give you an EMOTIONAL connection to people. dont take advantage of it and think its gives u power over everything. im really not that complicated. i dont hide my feelings well and i say whats on my mind, go ahead call me a bitc* for it i dont really care. but im not some complex mystery that you cant figure out because im open and when something makes me uncomfortable i say it. so just dont do it to me again, but apparently its not that simple is it. sometimes i wish the whole world would just leave me alone.

[1 worshiper - Worship me!] [03 Nov 2004|09:31pm] [ mood | aggravated ] i kno i did this already but no one is online an di need to complain. i register tomorrow at 2 and as of right now most of them are all full! so much for not going to school at night. i hate u msu

Worship me!] [03 Nov 2004|07:02pm] [ mood | pissed off ] so i went to the city yesterday with rosa cuz i got suckered into buying one of those salon packages, and it wasnt too bad. rosa got an awesome lady, i got a crappy gay man, im still looking for the justice in that lol. we saw some store that had all those skanky halloween costumes for 50% off so i def. plan on going back like either tomorrow or friday, im crazy for sales. i might just buy costumes till i turn 30 lol. yesterday was kevins birthday and he was like shocked i remembered. so i yelled at him for dissapearing and he yelled back. it was slightly awkward, kinda like too much time has passed, but we'll get over it. i register tomorrow for classes and i think i managed to work a schedule where im only at school at night one day, hopefully the classes wont be full when i go to register. cross ur fingers for me. lets see what else is new. oh yes, work. i decided as soon as i get back from portugal im looking for a new one, theres no way i can survive with 14 hours a week, wait no they canceled my shift today so ill get like 10 hours this week. i need something more reliable. i mean i enjoy working there, but enjoyment wont buy me all the clothes and crap ive become accustomed to. it was easier when my mom spoiled me rotten, i mean she still does, just to a MUCH lesser degree. i mean, they made me buy my own laptop! but i cant complain, i know many ppl whose parents are MUCH worse, i love my mommy and daddy. ambers gonna be spending the next few days with us, my sister has a teachers conference. were already fighting so this should be interesting. but thats about it. id love to comment extensivly on my feelings about the election, but thanks to the patriot act if i did id be subject to the CIA busting through my door at 3 in the morning. ahhh freedom, freakin great. i must say tho that this whole electoral college crap makes me feel like my vote really doesnt count. i dont understand why we cant use the popular vote.

Worship me!] ::sigh:: [01 Nov 2004|07:59pm] [ mood | lazy ] i cleaned my room today! i was able to fill three trash bags, but my room looks exactly the same only worse because my bed is still covered in junk. i need a bigger room. so this weekend was awesome, although i missed rosa. i did lots of partying and drinking but not too much candy eating :( i have done something productive though. after much consideration and talking to my advisor i've made the decision to graduate a semester early. i mean theres really no point in drawing out the process and take only 12 credits or less for the next three semesters just so i graduate when im supposed to. i figure ill hopefully be able to go straight for my masters and since he didnt pay for college hopefully daddy would help me out with my masters. im kinda nervous though, i mean im good at school so idk if im crazy about leaving early. but then again taking only like 12 credits seems slightly pointless to me, its like im not really going to school. now i just need to deicde which extra freakin night class im gonna take. i hate this scheduling junk. what i wouldnt give to have sister joan back. so today while i cleaned my room it was really thorough. like i removed my matress from my room and got down and dirty with the junk underneath. i found my senior year prom picture and there was pj with his bright blue hair and it just brought back all the confusion again. what i wouldn't give for some closure. anything to just explain why the hell it happened and how. i hate the not knowing, it drives me crazy. when im outside smoking without fail my mind drifts i just wish that it was different. on a brighter not i also found all my old sweet 16 cards and i love all u people :) i better go finish cleaning my room so i can start my homework.

[1 worshiper - Worship me!] [19 Oct 2004|02:21pm] [ mood | complacent ] ok so i got my registration date for next semester an dit is absolutley amazing, i register on 3rd day! now that would be absolutley amazing, like last semester! i was checking the schedule for classes and tell me why only THREE of the classes i need are offered before 2. and i dont want to go to school after like one because of work or watever. and there are some classes which are only offered at 7. wtf. i dont wanna go to school at night, its scary up there :( :;sigh:: well thought id complain real quick. maybe ill get really lucky and theyll open up new sections or something

Worship me!] [17 Oct 2004|01:47am] [ mood | stressed ] today was tough. its liek just when u think its bad it gets worse. i had a panic attack today. well it wasn't a panic attack because one of those syptoms is an overwhelming fear and i didnt have that. i hid however get tightness in my chest. well thats putting it lightly. i was on the phone and i was crying and you know how when you sob sometimes u take those big deep breaths? well i was trying to but the air wouldnt come in. it was like my body refuesed to inhale and i couldnt breathe. i was just gasping for air and no matter how hard i tried i couldnt breathe. i must say that it was probably one of, if not THE, scariests thing to ever happen to my body. it was like i had no control over my body all i did was gasp for air and sweat. and i know ur thinking i always sweat but it was a very unusual amount of sweat. i think i need a vacation. im 20 years old, my body should not be flipping out on me liek that, its bad enough my mind is! AHha! according to webMD i hyperventalated. i felt like i shoulda had a brown bag to breathe into or something, it was not pleasant. but aside from that i got to go to the forest of fear tonight which was cool. last night i hit up camp new day and although bob silverstein wasnt there still had fun. a lot just keeps changing.

Worship me!] [14 Oct 2004|10:53pm] [ mood | pensive ] so today i went with denise to the cemetery to visit PJ's grave. Its only been a little over a week so there wasn't even a head stone yet and teh geniuses at the cemetery feel its unnessecary to label the graves in any way and then proceed to close an hour before the actual cememtery closes. hopefully we got the right one because there two that denise thought were possibles so we compared the angles to the newspaper and i think we got it. it felt kinda weird, i mean knowing that beneath ur feet lies one of the friendliest people you have ever met. hes was just one of those guys who was real easy to get along with and most importantly had a huge heart. you dont meet those kinds of people that often. we also went to the site of the accident. i thought maybe going there would give me closure but it did the exact opposite. the toxicology reports have proven that he was NOT drunk when the accident happened. just thought i'd mention that because the papers and people try to suggest otherwise, but yes it has been PROVEN he was not drunk. and anyone who knew pj knew it even before that because he was always a responsible drinker. he never got himself trashed if he was going to drive, he had control. now going back to that closure thing. when u look at the site and u picture where the car was coming from, there is just no explanation as to why a car would do that. it was at this weird shaped intersection and the car just went straight over that intersection and into the middle of the property. and its crazy because thats just it, the car went STRAIGHT! no swerving no nothing. there has to be some sort of explanation for it. before actually seeing the site i thought maybethe car skidded or something but when u look at it, it just looks so impossible that it could have happened. there isnt even any point in trying to explain it because ppl explained it to me and until i saw it with my own eyes i never could have pictured it. the tree has half its bark missing. there were still so many pictures aroundtho and flowers. goes to show how many lives hes touched, and i cant leave out valerie who also passed away that night. I dont think well ever know what happened that night and i think thats going to make it really hard to be able to move on from it. i might not know how it happened but i know for sure that aleast now hes in a better place looking down on us. ps. while at the cemetery i saw something im sure PJ loved. some people had decorated graves for halloween and as we were drivign around looking for his grave we saw two squirrels who had obviously just robbed a grave because they had little orange pumpkins in their mouths!

[2 worshipers - Worship me!] [13 Oct 2004|10:44pm] [ mood | angry ] So alot has happened latley and I guess I needed somewhere to vent. Alot of good things have happened but they've been overshadowed by the bad. So call me crazy but I like to write, I feel its an inconspicuous way of letting people know how u feel. I was trying to come up with a new quote for my profile but what I wrote won't fit so I decided to paste it here. In my life many people have come and gone and sometimes it’s the most important people who slip away but they are never forgotten. You can’t control it when people have to leave because sometimes you don’t even see it coming. I understand that life will never be perfect, we need to feel pain so we can appreciate life the way we should. I have realized that you need to value the people in your life because tomorrow they might not be there. Life is wasted if you spend it telling lies and hurting those who care for you. I have realized that although you can’t keep the good people in your life forever, you can quickly remove the bad. Life is wasted if you spend it surround by those who take you for granted. Im not naive, I realize that I'm no where near being elected ms. congeniality, but no one is perfect. I have my quirks but I had kinda assumed that the people who surround me had come to accept me for that. I thought that people had atleast some ounce of respect for me but boy was I wrong. It doesn't matter how long someone is a part of your life because apparently we live in a society where friendship means nothing at all. people drift away and when they come back they're like a new person you never even met. I wish I could go back in time, knowing what i know now, and chosen my friends differntly, and kept in touch with the ones that mattered. It seems as though I've lost a part of myself latley. I can't be myself liek this. I need to be surrounded by people who love and respect me and my opinions. I remember a time where I never had to explain my choices, people around me just accepted it and respected it. That's what friendship is all about, respect and honesty, and when you don't have that then what's the point of calling yourselves friends. If anything latley i've realized that things in life change, but they change because they have to only sometiems they change for the bad. I've made a lot of those bad changes latley but its gonna all change real fast. PJ's death hit everyoone real hard, he was only 23, there was no reason God had to take him from us. If anything tho ive learned that life really is too short to spend trying to make everyone else happy because noone does that back for me. Im tired of being taken for granted. So now i think its time i go back to being crissy, the stupid cow, because lets face it, life was a lot better back then. Things were easier when we were all too young to drive anywhere and spent our days trying to figure out which train to take. So thank you for opening my eyes to whats really going on around me. like rosa says behind every smile lies a bold faced lie. but now i think ive figured it out a little better, how to tell the lies from the truth and mayeb i wont fall for that crap again. everyone elsesn priorities in life seem to have changed and maybe its time so did mine.

Worship me!] happy birthday to me [29 Jun 2004|07:08pm] [ mood | depressed ] so it was my birthday yesterday, the big two oh. and it sucked. started off pretty well and all but then it went to shit. i wish i could just forget the entire thing ever happened. birthdays are supposed to be fun and the people who love you are supposed to SHOW you they do. actions speak louder then words the saying goes and its right. i wish i could just go to bed and stay there for a long time. kinda at that point where idk wtf life is trying to throw at me but it is succeeding at bringing me down. on the bright side things cant possibly get any worse can they? its gotta be impossible. dont get me wrong the whole day wasnt miserable. had food with the family and mike and rosa and jesus. hung out with laura and kate, but idk. ill just shut up.

Worship me!] [17 Jun 2004|09:05pm] blah. work was crazy. there were two of us today which meant i was lucky enough to have to do the ENTIRE store on my own since the manager was doing register and other manager stuff. ppl r animals, we put size stickers on clothes for a reason god damnit! ::sigh:: gee can u guess im bitter? it's been a rough week. i need a hug. i must be so joyful cuz its almost my birthday or something ::sarcasm:: scp tomorrow, beach bash and all. kinda bumed tho, last year it was this big thing, we even got trophies and hooters shirts. this year its just blah. i guess goes to show how its all down hill after u hit 18. so miek took me to cablevision today so i could get the digital box so maybe now we can have the euro games at home and my daddy can be happy. i also have PBS on demand so i can watch all the barney i want. the portuguese channel ruined me tho, i turned the box on and had ALL free channels like hbo and showtime but no RPT so i had to call or my dad would cry and they got me the friggen chop channel and took away all my free cable. stupid cablevision

Worship me!] [14 Jun 2004|10:40pm] well today sucked. i woke up at like 2 feeling like crap. i think the weekend finally caught up with me ya know? weekend was awesome because it was portugal day. got to go to six flags on friday with mikey and we had lotsa fun. he even got me one of those cool airbrushed shirts with a big portuguese flag on it. then this weekend we partied and crap. heck i even went to adega on thursday, mike says im growing up lol. but yea this weekend kinda showed me how people change ya kno. its like time passes and people change and things just aren't the same. the people who should be drinking with u shouldnt be doing that with someone else! its kinda like u get replaced only u dont. and all u have left to talk about are memories of days gone by. jesus christ i feel like im 30 or something the way im talking. its just sad though. i was looking forward to so much this weekend and while it was very cool at times it was very awkward. someone please tell me how to fix this stuff. how do u keep in touch with people from ur past if u guys see each other twice a year and teh rest of the time ur limited to IM's. Its hard and its weird and i dont like it. damn this growing up crap. next thing u know ill be complaining about health insurance or something. anyways im off to bed, yes i know to bed. im kinda upset and sick and i just want the day to be over.

Worship me!] no more school! [10 Jun 2004|12:32pm] [ mood | exhausted ] so today was the last day of my summer class and we went on a field trip. it was kinda cool as in we were looking at a desserted village from the 1800's with buildings still in tack and stuff, not so cool because we were hiking in woods with bugs. not much else new been working a lot more then i should but i need it cuz im broke. should be going to six flags on friday with mike, we need some date time lol. love u mikey. love u too laura, and no im not just saying it because ur probably the only one who comes here :)

[1 worshiper - Worship me!] [08 Apr 2004|05:32pm] [ mood | sleepy ] i did it! i said id get a 100 on a statistics test this semester. he said in the begining of semester that he didnt give 100'2 and then porceeded to give me a 109 ( 10 point bonus) on my first exam and then be like but wheres the last point crissy? and this time around i got the last point..wooohoooo. i am good lol. but on a sour note my international business exam is on monday and that makes me sad :( because unlike my stats teacher this guy doesnt know how to teach. so today mike took me and amber to the diner and some shopping lol. then we came back here and he left me for work. amber fell asleep in my room so i went to the living room where my dad was sleeping which left me with nothing to do but sleep too. ::sigh:: so now im still sleepy! but im waiting for rosa to come get me so we can do some more shopping for lil kids. im so excited, i fit into the shirts at the childrens place, i spent 30 bucks on a crap load of stuff for amber, god bless employee discounts. oh an dthey also said that theyre keeping me so i can FINALLY leave sears. AMEN. bradley and crawford stopped by there last night and bradley, unkowingly, loud as hell infront of my manger was like WERENT U GONNA QUIT? ah bradley. he was less hairier also, but now nearly as drastic as crawford lol. but enough about hair and school, im off to wait for my woman (rosa not mike) bye!

Worship me!] moo [03 Apr 2004|08:10pm] [ mood | annoyed ] so its mikes birthday weekend and we went to sport cluba dn i remebered why i DONT go to sport club but all in all a good time was had by all. the bartender was drunk and jimmy crawford cut all his hair off. it was surprise after surprise lol. but yea i worked today (wow big surprise there huh?) and i have a paper due like in two weeks and lotsa exams. but booo college is so beyond me now. i mean i did it for two years and that should be enough. ok i guess im just BITTER because ill probably end up having to take freakin night classes cuz most arent available during the day. if it wasnt for the fact that it was free to me id hate my school. ok im lieng i think i still do lol. so its like world war 3 up in my house ( and outside doesnt look to good) and i thought i could get away with stuff but it just means more crap for me! how the hell is my dad gonna give ME his straight A, never disobeyed him, doesnt cost him a cent in tuition, and always backs him up to my mom, daughter shit about coming home late. wtf he goes out ALL night to atlantic city, imma start giving him crap about it. im freaking 19 an di have a CURFEW? wtf im rebelling, if he can go out galavanting all night well then what the hell so can i. time i grew me some balls. oh and i bought tims lol. im telling u sears has turned me. next ill be braiding my hair.

[1 worshiper - Worship me!] ouchies [24 Mar 2004|10:59pm] [ mood | sore ] so i didnt quit sears lol. my manger was all like 'u were playing right ur not really leaving' and blahblah blah. so we talked and he said hed give me whatever scheduel I wanted so I told him no weekends and i don't want to close anymore, I want after school hours. And suprisingly enough he said 'done' so now I have two jobs lol. im a mess. I have two jobs and i cut school today, yup I stayed in bed and slept till about 12 so i could take my dad to the doctor then go to work. This is very unlike me no? yes. But I figure I've been such a nerd my entire life im allowed to enjoy myself a little now, that and the fact that I was so tired last night I coudl barely function..i needed a sleep day. but on the darker side i have a 15 page paper do in two weeks and its on a topis i did for Model UN and I WOULDA had awesome info for it but i lost it all during the trip in DC in the cab...idiot... and i have two tests next week already. how they gonna test me two weeks after spring break? i mean i can barely function and theyre testing me! ::sigh:: stupid school, it should all just be done away with. well no it shouldn't but idk. im just very upset with the whole school thing. three of the classes i want to take next semester i won't get because only one has ONE section during the day and the other two are ONLY at night and I really dont want night classes. why would they do that. idiots. but enough about school and stuff. i need to go do my accounting homework. ok i say that like im actually gonna do that dont i? but really im logging off telling my boyfriend i love him and then going to sleep because that is what i do now. hopefully we wont really go over it tomorow. actually now that i think of it i didnt do the work for my other class either. ps. funny story my three year old neice told my mom 'f u' today. when questioned why she said it she replied 'mommy doesnt like daddy and says f u daddy' i think its amazing how kids pick up things in life.. theyre so innocent yet they know so much. and its sad bc now her entire life shes gonna have this picture in her mind where her parents have animosity towards eachother rather than love. my CCD kids make me smile every weeek, something bout little kids man. one day we were saying what we were thankful for and this one girls hand shot up and she said 'turtles', i mean how cute is that.

[1 worshiper - Worship me!] [21 Mar 2004|10:39pm] go here :http://siim.pri.ee/crimson_room.htm laura sent me the link, ish is crazy. went to a baptism today with mike for his family. had fun. danced. feet hurt. i cant believe break is over already and i am yet to even open my bookbag. joy right? i work tomorow night too so no time to do work then. ::sigh:: im tired and what not, just felt i should write so everyone knows laura made this layout and not me. thank u laura. love u mike

[2 worshipers - Worship me!] woohoo [18 Mar 2004|04:28pm] [ mood | numb ] my one day off this week lol. amazing how i went from no job to crappy job to two jobs! im overwored, but next week is my last at one of them and if i decide i dotn like it im going back to sears cuz they lemme take a leave of absence. so although i took this new job to have more free time i really have absolutly no time at this point (i cant spell, sue me) so last night i had a date with my boyfriend, i had to schedule him in lol. we played pool and some fooseball. well he played fooseball with marco because apparently i cant play. meanie. but i beat him at pool like three times, and i didnt cheat TOO much, hes too good to me. i think luara hates me because im a terrible person. i love u monkey. unfortunatley im also very unreliable and i let ppl step all over me. there r soem pll in life that i just wanna 'itch slap sometimes. i mean they change things so that I look bad or mean when they're the ones who r all f'd up. it annoys me to no end, if ur my friend ur not supposed to be putting me down and insulting everything i do. i mean part of being a good friend is being there for ppl but it needs a little more. a friend shouldnt constantly make everything u do seem liek its schit. i mean wtf. i dont bring u down so leave me be! ::sigh:: sorry just had to rant and beleive me if i could be more specific this thing would go on for days. i think im just tired, and cranky, and overworked, and falling way behind on my homework. and damnit laura wheres my pretty layout! oh yea, after this next week thats comign up my new job works much less hours so maybe then we can do a weekend trip, or maybe an easter break trip? idk. my head hurts.

[1 worshiper - Worship me!] haha [15 Mar 2004|05:24pm] so i passed out today. went with my dad to the doctor today and idk what it was cuz i was fine last week but i couldnt. i ended up needing to go outside and i knew i wanted to sitdown but i couldnt and eventually my body just fell and i f'd up my arm on the wall. not fun. on the bright? side i got a new job. ill work a lot less, and make less but atleast my hours won't be as retarded and its ALOT closer to home which is a pluss. maybe now i can actually spend time with my boyfriend on weekends like a normal girlfriend. god knows we need it, i think he hates me.

[1 worshiper - Worship me!] tatoo or peirce? [11 Mar 2004|06:40pm] I just spent a good 4 hours of my life watching kevin get his tatoo, it looks awesome. so my sister calls me whil eim there and shes liek OMG what r u peircing, dont do it! and then shes like atleast get a tatoo if ur gonna get something. like hello, she grew up in the same house i did, doesnt she know that tatoos would equal death? i mean a REMOVABLE belly ring got me the silent treatment for 2 weeks, can u imagine a tatoo? but as the day progressed i started to think that maybe i really DID want a tatoo and now im like ahhh! cuz i wanted to peirce my ear again (either the industrial or this other one but idk how to explain it) but left with nothing because this tattoo talk got me all mixed up. kevin said i was impulsive and would be back next week, ill prove him wrong i just need to remind myself how PERMANENT they are.... sigh... ive got a major migraine... and the video games make my head hurt! omg im back on ebay now that might bought me a playstation 2 ::hug:: im going crazy with teh games, well not crazy but it is crazy cuz i dont have the money for it... double sigh for credit card bills... not much else, oh yea spring break next week and i still hate my job...

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